Today is July 11th….
Today is July 11th… I’m sitting here watching my girls play together in the living room. Jilli with a full head of hair again and willful spirit that won’t let her big sister have her way. Sienna wants to go do something else and Jilli yells at her in her bossy way, “PLAY SHENNA PLAY!” Jilli still has that lisp when she talks; mainly from the hearing loss that will never return to normal again. Adult chemo has done it’s damage as well as it’s job. I hate it.. I hate everything about it. I hate seeing all the other families go through this too. Next week we face scans again so it all comes back to me like it was yesterday. My brain goes into fight mode. The walls go up as I prepare to face the reality again. She is strong but not invincible. Neuroblastoma – the enemy- is relentless. It could come back. I have to mentally prepare myself for that reality. And pray like hell that it doesn’t.Two years ago today life as I knew it changed. I guess you can say we are the lucky ones. Was it luck? Eenie meenie minie moe…not your child, not your child….but MINE! Why? Why Jillian? Two years ago she was on the edge of death. So why did she survive? Why do some make it and others don’t? It’s not fair. I feel so selfish when I pray that mine will be the one out of say 5 that lives with no relapse and no problems. Why can’t they all? Reading back through my journal I held out hope up to this night 2 years ago that they were wrong about everything…it was a stupid mass that they could remove and we could just go home. It wasn’t cancer after all and THEY WERE WRONG! But they weren’t.
In my journal I wrote…
“Feeling as hopeless as it gets. The worst news..It is Stage 4 Neuroblastoma cancer. 50%-60% cure rate? Flip of a coin basically. My baby could live…or she could die. My life as I know it has changed. My whole world has just been hit by a nuclear bomb. There is nothing… I see nothing but smoke and ashes. How do we go on. We begin to fight that how. We are now at war with an enemy within her little body. We have all been drafted into an army to fight a war we never asked for. We are all part of Jillian’s Army. Day 1 of chemo starts tonight.”
I am thankful to the Almighty every single day that she survived and that she is still here. But the PTSD and the scars run deep. I know I will never be the same. I work daily to heal my wounds and keep my strength. Big THANK YOUS to all of you out there who make me laugh and smile and give me a “happy place”… music, laughter and craziness is the best medicine for me. Fuck you cancer!
-CIC Momma
‹ Happy 4th of July Time for Scans Again ›
So many tears, and even more prayers for you all. I can’t even imagine what your lives have been like for the past two years, and the forever fear for the future. I admire you all so much, and your ability to keep yourselves from drowning, (not that you have had much of a choice) Our babies are the very core of our hearts and souls, and yours have endured the unfathomable. Thinking of and keeping you all in my prayers.β€οΈ
So many tears, and even more prayers for you all. I can’t even imagine what your lives have been like for the past two years, and the forever fear for the future. I admire you all so much, and your ability to keep yourselves from drowning, (not that you have had much of a choice) Our babies are the very core of our hearts and souls, and yours have endured the unfathomable. Thinking of and keeping you all in my prayers.β€οΈ
Many prayers for you and your family for strength courage wonderful health, blessings galore for a joyful happy peaceful life hugs and much love
Many prayers for you and your family for strength courage wonderful health, blessings galore for a joyful happy peaceful life hugs and much love
Thank you from the depths of my heart and soul- CIC MOMMA
Thank you from the depths of my heart and soul- CIC MOMMA
Im in tears reading this she will remain NED! My heros xoxoππππ
Im in tears reading this she will remain NED! My heros xoxoππππ
Strong Mom strong Daughter Stong Family Prayers for Jillian to stay HEALTHY π
Strong Mom strong Daughter Stong Family Prayers for Jillian to stay HEALTHY π
XOXOXO
XOXOXO
Prayers, prayers, prayers!!!
Prayers, prayers, prayers!!!
Prayers lifted up for your precious childπ
Prayers lifted up for your precious childπ
Prayers to you and Jillian! Bryn is going to Newton next year so hopefully they can meet! Both cancer survivors. Would be awesome. ππΌππΌππΌππΌππΌπ
Prayers to you and Jillian! Bryn is going to Newton next year so hopefully they can meet! Both cancer survivors. Would be awesome. ππΌππΌππΌππΌππΌπ
You and your family are amazing
You and your family are amazing
πππππππππππ
GOD is GREAT
I will continue to pray for good health. <3
GOD is GREAT
I will continue to pray for good health. <3
Praying for clear scans mercy grace love laughter healing & joy to flood your lives you’ve been through battle but the victory was yours!!!! Hallelujah Praise God!!!!
Praying for clear scans mercy grace love laughter healing & joy to flood your lives you’ve been through battle but the victory was yours!!!! Hallelujah Praise God!!!!